Director: John Putch
Writer: David H. Steinberg
Actors: Rosanna Arquette, Eugene Levy, Curtis Armstrong
Studio: Universal

Film rating: 1/10
Extras rating: 2/10

The AMERICAN PIE series is back with yet another sex-filled romp through the halls of Great Falls High. Not much has changed since the Class of 1999 made a pact to get laid by prom. The kids change, but the sexual frustration stays the same. Well, most of the kids change. For some reason, there is still a Stifler – most likely the now teenage brother, and successor, to the elder Stifler. And yet, we are given three new seniors to follow along on their quest to lose, not find. Lose of course their virginity. There’s the guy with the girlfriend that just can’t seem to hit a home run, instead of being stuck at second base. There’s the nerdy guy who just can’t seem to muster up the nerve to actually talk to girls. And of course, there is the sensitive yet socially awkward guy that just can’t seem to tell that one special lady how he feels. He may just be doomed to the friend zone for eternity (aka until graduation), forced to accept his curse as a virgin, unless he does something about it. Unless all three do something about it. And thus, they look to the holy book for answers. The Bible.

You remember The Bible, don’t you? The sacred book from the first film, which foretold of experiences, rules, and tips passed down from generation to generation of teen’s looking to unlock the secrets behind pleasuring a woman. There’s just one problem…well, aside from the other problem of being sexually or romantically incapable. The book has been damaged! Thus, our three seekers of sexuality, our conquistadors of copulation, must rebuild the book of its knowledge, hopefully picking up a little along the way so that they may slay the mighty beast known as celibacy.

Unfortunately for the film itself, it has more than just two problems and has not picked up on any knowledge along its way, now being the seventh sequel (3 of which were straight to video releases). THE BOOK OF LOVE attempts to recreate the story of the first film in a pretty obvious, self-aware way. Yet, gone is the originality and heart of 1999’s AMERICAN PIE, which had more of a Hughesian take on being young and dealing with all the realities and fictions of losing your virginity. Instead, THE BOOK OF LOVE mostly regurgitates and reinforces these fictions and myths that so many of us had to wade through in high school before realizing it was all stereotypical bullshit. If you don’t want to relive this experience, I’d suggest you pass on THE BOOK OF LOVE, as it is much in the same.

As a side note, I was not aware when I was in high school that, by simply asking two seemingly straight girls to make out while in the middle of a dance floor at prom would garner the desired and immediate results without hesitation. I also thought it was frowned upon by women when men, without warning, poured pitchers of beer all of their clothed, braless bodies. Apparently, this is not true. Apparently, everything suddenly starts to move in slow motion as the girls giggle and wave their hair back and forth. To think, I’ve been approaching women from the wrong angle all these years. I’ve got so much to learn. Luckily, I have THE BOOK OF LOVE to teach me.

Oh, and in case you have questions/confusions about bestiality, THE BOOK OF LOVE is here to help on that to. Here’s a few tips: In case you are using a peanut butter sandwich to simulate a vagina during masturbation, make sure the family dog is no where near you and that your door is securely locked. If not, the dog may be tempted to join you and you may be tempted to not let it stop. Also, if you are in the woods and encounter a moose, he will undoubtedly attempt to mount you and mate with you. If so, do not run, even if you have plenty of time and open space to escape. Just allow the creature to take you from behind.

These tips, and review, brought to you by James Wallace and the skills learned from AMERICAN PIE PRESENTS THE BOOK OF LOVE.

As for the special features, the Blu-ray edition includes the typical run-of-the-mill extras including a featurette entitled “On the set of AMERICAN PIE PRESENTS: THE BOOK OF LOVE” and an unnecessary, as well as redundant, “From The Set” featurette which comprises a reel of deleted takes and a gag reel. And on that note, there’s also deleted scenes and a gag reel, without any gags, to fit in all the stuff that they could not put in the aforementioned feature for some reason. The disc also includes a feature on the “celebrity” cameos in THE BOOK OF LOVE. That is if you consider reality TV stars and former child actors celebrities. There is also AMERICAN PIE trivia and the the oh-so-cleverly titled JUST THE TIPS: THE LOVE MANUAL, in which some of the stars of the film give viewers relationship and sex advice. Because Bret Michaels and Kevin Federline are exactly who you want to give you advice on this subject.