Nicolas Cage to play…everyone
I have long proposed the conspiracy theory that Nicolas Cage is in fact two people. We are led to believe that Mr. Cage is simply one man, all over the map with the roles he choses in his acting career. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve had the shroud pulled over our eyes for far too long. Today I’m blowing the lid off on this lie once and for all. This deception has gone on too long…
READ ON TO HAVE YOUR WORLD ROCKED WITH THE TRUTH ABOUT NICOLAS CAGE!
Exhibit A. You have the sensitive, darker Cage. He stars in weightier films like LEAVING LAS VEGAS and the documentary ADAPTATION. He may even gain the attention of critics and win some awards for these roles. He’s intelligent, artistic and purposefully humorous. And most importantly, he has seemingly normal hair.
Exhibit B. You have the “strong”, action hero Cage. The one who recklessly steers his career like a Trans Am down a one way street after downing a bottle of Jack Daniels like it’s Fiji water. He stars in films like GHOST RIDER, NEXT, CON AIR and the list goes on and on. He wears snake skin and tinted sunglasses (indoors and out.) And the hair…oh the hair. In this Cage’s case, SNAKE EYES is more the documentary of his life.
Seems crazy, does it? How else would you explain it? The mind-bending leap from genre to genre in a single bound? The rapid hair growth, from short to shag rug, when the man barely has any hair to begin with? The explanation is so simple. Right there before your very eyes, like a clue to a mystery from history held within the spectacles of Ben Franklin or the wooden testicles of Abe Lincoln. Nicolas Cage is two people. Possibly even three, which would explain his roles in good action movies where he has normal hair. As a side note, I’m not sure which one of the Cage clones is responsible for CAPTAIN CORELLI’S MANDOLIN. It’s possible this was a first starring role for a fourth clone who was soon euthanized before he could star in UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN.
Now that you have been made aware, I must warn you. The army of Cage clones are attempting to take over Hollywood, and possibly the world. They’re out-of-control. Hungry for power. And they will stop at nothing until they have starred as literally everyone famous, both past and present. Han Solo, the cast of FRIENDS, even Goro from MORTAL KOMBAT. Hell, the Cages even had their face placed on that of the Mona Lisa’s!
People, you have been warned. Nicolas Cage wants to take everyone’s face…off. Visit NicCageaseveryone.com for your proof.
NicCageaseveryone.com was “founded on the belief that everything in life would be better with a little more Nic Cage.” The site allows users to upload their own Photoshopped photos of celebrities and historical figures with Mr. Cage’s face in the place of their own. It is all in good fun. But seriously, he’s coming for you.
Check out a few of my favorites!
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