Audio-Free Trailer: MONTE CARLO

Kate Erbland

by: Kate Erbland
April 12th, 2011

Are you fifteen? No? Dammit, well, I don't know where I was going with that. Wait! I think that the implication was going to be that if you're fifteen, you're going to love MONTE CARLO, starring Selena Gomez. Then I realized that I don't really know what fifteen year olds like these days, and I think that even fifteen year old me wouldn't be into MONTE CARLO, so I don't know how to end this run-on sentence or complete this introduction now. MONTE CARLO! It is a movie!

This is what I know about MONTE CARLO - it stars Selena Gomez. I can also only assume that at least part of it takes place in Monte Carlo. This is, truly, all I have on this project. So let's hit that jump and check out the very first trailer for MONTE CARLO, along with my thoughts on it, all from a trailer I refuse to play with sound, simply because that is the entire point of this continuing feature.

I get it. Selena Gomez is graduating high school and is clearly about to embark on a Euro-cation as a grad gift. I've seen the funniest version of this film - it's called EUROTRIP.

Wait! Maybe she's not going to Paris, maybe she just wants to, because this trailer is now making one thing clear - Selena Gomez is poor! and unpopular! I know this because she's working in a shady diner, serving the blond tribe that is clearly comprised of "the popular kids." I've seen this movie, too, I think it stars Hilary Duff. Charming - she's working at this crappy diner to pay for her Paris trip. I am...just...so touched for her.

Leighton Meester is here, too! And some blondegirl that I am told is Katie Cassidy. It looks like filling an old pickle jar with tips worked out well for Selena's character, Grace, because OMGWEARELIKETOTALLYJETTINGTOPAREERIGHTNOW. Let's cue up all those fun, international misunderstandings now! Their hostel is terrible! They don't understand that plugs are different in other countries! I've seen this film. It's called HOSTEL (dare to dream?).

Now we're going to museums and meeting hot foreign guys and falling down and running in the rain, and I swear to God, is this film just some kind of blended version of EUROTRIP and CHASING LIBERTY and HOSTEL and every other Disney film that takes place in a foreign country, served up, sans irony? I'm going cross-eyed here, people.

No. This has not happened. We've got a doppelganger. Please, go ahead and toss in every other Disney film that involves doppelgangers to that blended pile of crap. Is this film Disney? I don't know. I don't care. All I know is, the doppelganger is clearly a bitch, because she's wearing a hideous blazer and is talking on a cell phone. I can only hope that Gomez, Meester, and Cassidy kill her off and stick Gomez in her place. No such luck. We have to get the old mix-up-and-serve-em-a-giant-lobster trick. I've seen this movie before, it's called, wait, I am lying, I have never seen a lobster that gosh-dang huge before. It has utterly stolen the show. I am transfixed.

I've now all but checked out. Gomez and co. have apparently stolen the identity of some sort of Euro heiress/girl about town. Where she went, no clue. Why this is being billed as a film about "living the dream," I can't even process. Yes, let us teach our children to live the dream of criminal activity in a foreign country. I almost want to start having kids right now so that I can teach them this lesson. Thank you, MONTE CARLO, thank you. Now we are being told to "discover who [we] are." Pardon? Discover my true self while pretending to be someone else? I - I can't.

Just as I've all but starting crying because, holy crap this really looks terrible, that one kid from Glee shows up. Huge congratulations to MONTE CARLO - in just 180 seconds, you have broken my spirit and my will to live.

Parting thought - three people scripted this film. I weep for my unborn children.

MONTE CARLO opens on July 1.

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  • http://twitter.com/emdub52 Marc Walker

    DAMN! How do you really feel?

  • https://gordonandthewhale.com KateErbland

    HATEHATEHATEHATHAHTEHATHAHTE.

    Ummm…

  • https://gordonandthewhale.com KateErbland

    HATEHATEHATEHATHAHTEHATHAHTE.

    Ummm…

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