INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS reserved seating contest winners
My lord, you people are sick! For this, Gordon and the Whale would like to award some of you.
Here are the winners for one of our INGLORIOUS BASTERDS contests, in which participants submitted their ideal Nazi-killing weapon for a chance at winning reserved seats to an advance screening of the film, which takes place in Dallas this Wednesday, August 12th at 2 PM. It took three of us here at GATW to decide on the winners. We went with what we felt were the most creative and gruesome.
If you are one of the lucky Nazi-scalpin' basterds, we will contact you within the next couple of hours with details about the screening. If you did not win this time, we would love the opportunity to award you for being a Gordon and the Whaler at some point in the future. Please continue to read our site and enter our contests for chances to win passes to advance screenings, DVDs, signed movie posters, and various other movie gear.
Thank you to everyone who entered. This has been one of the best, most enthusiastic responses we have had to a contest! Keep it coming and we will too!
Check out the winners after the jump!
I'd take a sawed off lawn mower blade with a whole lotta electrical tape wrapped around one end for the handle (after dulling that end of the blade). I'd use it as a weapon because I've had to fashion something like this as a rudimentary tool once, and it was pretty devastating for cutting things. Basically a home made machete, but it looked really intimidating, like something Jason would kill teenagers with. I was able to cut the majority of a tree with it, I miss that thing.
My Nazi exterminating weapon of choice is glaringly obvious- a metal spork. Its infantile nature makes it an unassuming instrument of death, but rest assured, my patented fighting style of poking and scooping is one to be reckoned with. A true Basterd recognizes the sheer blood-spattering power of the spork. Acclaimed Nazi officer Heinrich Himmler was actually quoted once saying, "I will take down any fool who attacks me wielding a blade, gun or nunchucks... but the man who one day will raise his fist with spork in hand is truly a crazy Basterd." And that's actually true. Wikipedia it.
Super Soaker filled with acid (not lsd). you can pump some SS into some SS!
Wow...this is what happens when kids are brought up on mindless slice and dice movies. I'm disturbed, yet impressed with the imaginative blood-a-thons. That being said, my weapon of choice would be an ethnobotanical poison that would render the enemy into an undead state, where they would be fully conscious and tactially sensitive to whatever is happening yet unable to move or respond. I could then separate the scalp and other hanging parts without all that screaming and wailing about. Leaving the Naziscumdog in bits and pieces behind for nature to claim her own while they contemplate their misfortune.
If lightsabers are allowed then definitely a lightsaber. If not, I would use the femur of a dead Jew. With that femur, I would knock out any Nazi coming my way. I would then take said Nazi to my torture chamber where there would be a stove, spiked bat, metal hanger, spoon, 1000 matzah balls, needle and thread, a 4 post bed, and a rope.
When the Nazi has redeemed consciousness I would tell him where the femur came from, just to fire him up. I would then take the Nazi and tie him up to the bedposts with his ass cheeks spread open. Then I would put that hanger on the stove for thirty minutes, then stick it up his asshole nice and slow like. After that bit of fun, I would lay his nuts out on the table (just the nuts) and bang them with the spiked baseball bat. I'm sure after all of this, Mr. Nazi has worked up quite an appetite. I would then proceed to sew his asshole shut, and feed him his favorite Jewish cuisine ... MATZAH BALLS! I would keep feeding him and feeding him and feeding him...
Then to end it all I would take him to the top of the 12 story building scalp him alive, tie one end of the rope to his junk and the other to a metal post at the top of the building, and push that Arian prick off.
Lt. Aldo Raine would fear EVEN me with my choice of dismemberment weapon (fuck scalps, i want the entire head!!!)
Flint sharpened Ice Axe with a filed down handle and a rubber grip installed as to secure a tight grip when those Germanic winter temperatures hit rock bottom. I would begin the process with a lacerating blow to the back of the head near the spinal-chord connection at the rear of the skull and/or a front blow to the right or left lobe with the axe blade probably taken out the eye socket as well. I would then lie the lifeless body on the ground face down and lasso a strand of tinsel strength razor wire around the throat (in the Adams apple area if male) and with the heel of my Government Issue steel toe boots, I would press with over 450 lbs of pressure unto the back of the head driving it down into the earth while i lift the razor up with both hands, straining as the the bones, tendons, skin and vessels are slowly ripped and sliced. After several minutes and God willing, some leverage, I would have my prize in my hand, and placed into my stolen Reich-issued Nazi knapsack.
Or I could just use a spine-crushing and back-flaying meat hook used by Iowa beef industry slaughterhouses. (sent special by my Auntie).
Aside from the obvious Nazi symbol chinese throwing star, I'd also have a whip, very much like Mr. Jones, except this whip would entail shrouds of thick barbed wire with the classic jagged cuts of rusted metal.
Favorite execution technique would be the Verpackung herum (wrap around). a simple 3 step, one motion maneuver.
1. flick of the whip towards the Nazi neck
2. wired whip wraps around the Nazi neck, allowing the jagged cuts of metal to sink and rip into the flesh
3. a quick yank of the whip and wienerschnitzel!! One headless Nazi!
I would also carry viles of petrol with long fuses attached so I could have something for our Kraut captives to swallow. Then light the fuse and watch them burn from the inside out.
As for the killing i would use a hollowed bat (metal) filled with gun powder. It would also have some sort of sparking agent inside that is activated by force, like hitting nazis in the head. of course i would need to wear protected gear to protect myself from the blast, but what the heck, it might as well be fun. and as for the scalping goes, well there really wouldn't be much of a scalp to cut off with the head being blown to bits, but i would keep the scalp pieces and stuff in an alcoholic bottle and then stuff an old rag in the top and then use it on other nazis as a warning to them. "don't f**k with these basterds"
My weapon? Motherfucking Kindess. I growed up on The Streets (capitalized!), and my posse's favorite weapon: A program called H.U.G.Z. It is as follows:
H = Hugs. Fuckin' duh. A successful hug means that the enemy is physically too close to punch your ass - and emotionally too close to care that he can't punch your ass.
U = S'mores. I know it doesn't start with a U, or even have a U in it. We were livin' on The Streetz (with a z!). We can't be expected to spell things right! Graham Crackers + Chocolate + Mallows + Car Fire = No more fucking Holocaust. HEADLINE: WAR DOTH ENDETH WITH THE FIRE OF LOVEMALLOWS! Naga-WHAT?
G = GRENADES! Or, more clearly, those water balloons that look like grenades. Homie pulls out a Gat, bomb his ass with some love water! His crew sees that splash, and I'll be damned if they aren't giggling like a pride of bitches.
Z = Zen. Zen, Jesus, Mohammed, Jeff Goldblum? Whatever you want to call it, Peace with oneself means Peace with the world. And Peace means bitches don't genocide (usually)!
So, that's it. H.U.G.Z. Trick-ass bitches are gonna say that it's technically not killing Nazis, but I say eff that! To me, making a Nazi not a Nazi is the same-ass fucking thing! Less cleanup! And if that shit don't work? Two words: Lava Trebuchet.
Kosher butchering knifes would be perfect for killin' some Nazis. It would be the perfect way to get ride of them while staying true to your Jewish roots. Maybe sport some tefilin (rtiual prayer bands) while doing it.
10. Jim Brown
Well, assuming they've already been caught, I would begin by securing them to a suspended hooks and slicing open their achilles tendon just in case they're considering leaving. I would then spend a couple hours simply shooting them in various places with my staple gun. Once I think they've endured enough of that it would be time to move on to the nail gun. Obviously I wouldn't be able to go as long with that lest I risk them dying on me too soon. When I am satisfied with that portion of the evening I would then spend some time pulling every single piece of metal I put in back out (because everyone knows it hurts more the second time around). Hopefully by this point they would still be concious so I could finish the job the right way, but if not, a few jolts from a car battery might bring them back around. If they are still up though I'd move on to my pièce de résistance, soaking them in gas and lighting a match.
2 nazis with helmets (specifically tight on their hair) attached to a rope dangling from a strong branch with both Nazis on opposite sides of a Teeter totter. Slowly ripping away at their comrads sclap by moving up and down on a purple Little Tikes. Child playgroud equipment of Nazi death!!
Here is how I would take care of the Nazis: Not just one weapon but the following:
Send the meanest and ugliest rapists from the worst prisons to rape and castrate all nazis. Then cut out their tongues, pull out all their teeth, remove all finger and toe nails, scalp them, bring in pregnant spiders and put the spiders on the wounds of the nazis so the spiders can lay their eggs in the nazi's wounds. Finally take a hot poker and brand the Star of David on each of the nazis forheads! Why not!
13. Matt Nyborg
A push lawnmower, Dead Alive style. Why? Because it's awesome, that's why. The goal of Raine's squad is to strike fear into the Nazis with overwhelming displays of brutality, and it doesn't get much more over-the-top than this.
First of all, do you know what a mohel is? Well, by scapling, let's see, we could look at it a couple of ways...... First we render the victim immobile, but still able to feel pain, with the use of of the ever popular "throwing star of David dipped in fast acting nerve serum. Then string the "basterd" up by his feet, and with the use of a nail gun, nail a yellow cloth star to his chest, strip him of his clothing (and here's where the Mohel visual comes in) then "scalp" the head of his male parts off with a cigar cutter. He will then swing there while bleeding nearly todeath., while we brand numbers onto his arms AND then carving his scalp off his actual head with the help of a dull hack saw and scooping his brains out to serve to wild animals. DONE-NICE
Technically, this last entry didn't apply to the rules of the contest, but we all agreed it was a pretty damn cool entry.
Awwww Man. I don't have a creative (much less a gruesomely creative) answer to this question. Sorry guys, just not really in my skill set. But I did go see this UNBELIEVABLE movie on opening day back in October 1994. We didn't have the Interwebs back then, very few people had even heard of this little upstart writer/director named Quentin Tarantino & there was no press on this new movie called Pulp Fiction. It was only showing at one theater in DFW, the Inwood Theater off Greenville Avenue. We made it down from Denton for the first showing on the first day because we all loved True Romance so much we had to go see what this Tarantino guy could follow that and Resevior Dogs up with. That movie changed Movies in my opinion. And I had the pleasure of seeing that movie before literally anyone else. I am old school in that when I KNOW I want to see a movie based writer, director, story line or any combination therein, I resolve myeslf to miss all previews, commercials, and shorts online. Doing this allows me to not have preconcieved notions heading in, based on some A-hole focus group telling some advertiser suit how to push the movie on as many sheep as possible. This leaves me open to have the story told to me as the creators of the piece of art wanted it told. So I don't have any good, gruesomely creative perfect Nazi killing weapon. Anyway, not that good of a story. But it's still the best I've got. Please let me see this movie before anyone else!!
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