Jessica Simpson and Uwe Boll to team up for METROID film?

Sean Hunter

by:
June 8th, 2010

Samus

The world hates me. Really. The world must hate me because one of the most iconic video game series of all time is about to get a film adaptation. But, instead of being the fantastic and epic film I am dreaming of, METROID is going to...suck. What else could happen? Joblo is reporting that Uwe Boll is aiming to make a METROID film with Jessica Simpson rumored to star as Samus. While the report is all based around rumors, my heart is already dying. Read on while I wipe the tears off my NES...

Here's the direct quote from the email Joblo recieved...

"Actress Jessica Simpson is rumored to have secured the role of Space Bounty Hunter Samus Aran in a Hollywood version of a Nintendo game. In the game, Metroid, the hero controls Samus on her goal to rid the world of energy sucking beasts called Metroids. Think of it as a cross between Aliens and Dracula.

Simpson is excited to restart her movie career and is reportedly taking part in the selection of Samus' love interest. Simpson's publicists has also confirmed that she will be contributing to the plot. Ms Simpson feels the plot is too complex and would like to move the plot closer to it's core story of love and adventure.

The movie, rumored to be directed by famed director Uwe Boll will feature a wise cracking ethnic METROID played by the fat kid from GOOD BURGER."

Okay, so the emailer sounds a little bit sarcastic and, honestly, who wouldn't? I could probably go on and on about why this will never work and how every single sentence within the email is like a knife through my video game heart. But I will instead turn it to you.

Does this sound remotely interesting? Would you see this? Why? WHY?! Leave your thoughts below.

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  • gbug

    Simpson is a terrible actress. I would never waste my hard earned money on any movie Simpson does. I didn't watch Price of Beauty because she was her ususal dumb blonde self. I would never buy any cd or dvd with Simpson on it because she just plain sucks. Therefore, I won't be watching this either. I think its sad that Simpson and her father are going to sink this project into the grould. It might have been good without Jessica Simpson. Now, its just going to be another bad movie.

  • gbug

    Simpson is a terrible actress. I would never waste my hard earned money on any movie Simpson does. I didn't watch Price of Beauty because she was her ususal dumb blonde self. I would never buy any cd or dvd with Simpson on it because she just plain sucks. Therefore, I won't be watching this either. I think its sad that Simpson and her father are going to sink this project into the grould. It might have been good without Jessica Simpson. Now, its just going to be another bad movie.

  • http://fleshlight.wetpaint.com Neal Perot

    I think that may have been my personal bias coming into play. Cobra has been one of my favorites for a long time and even though I recognize how important the original Rocky is to the whole series, I found the movie itself to be a tad slow and boring. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good movie mind you just a personal preference BTW, Stallone only got paid 30K to do Cop Land.

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